Family of Orgin, Part 1

This exercise was extremely hard for me. The initial mediation was very difficult: the energy shooting out of my body felt violent. I kept on having to open my eyes to make sure my head wasn't cocked at at 45 degree angle (what my energy was doing). It didn't matter that I was physically in a place of wholeness; it was very difficult to go back to the house on Sanchez Street and see my mom. I also pictured my dad, Julie, Oona and Summer to protect me

As I made them into sculptures, I calmed down a lot. It felt good to repurpose the angst an emotion in a physical form. As I talked to each piece it was very telling:

mom said - I hate myself. I don't know how to love outside myself fully. Learn to love inside so you can share it with the world.
I responded - Find your inner beauty. Everyone can see it. I can see it in me and you.

dad said - I travel to be multiple places. I tried to have flexible love and understanding for a woman who love you fiercely. I did it best I could.
I responded - I love you dad. I knew you did. I get angry sometimes, but I'm grateful for the gifts.

I left the exercise feeling...drained. And with a new found understanding of my parental relationships. And slightly confused that I still had work to do (after so many years of therapy!). I could really see how I have problems loving myself because it was never shown to be by a women how to do it. And I could see that I subconciously choose men who are not completely "here" because that is the love I am used to.