Inner Muse / Inner Critic

Muse

color

play

energy

romp

wings

time undone

beautiful heat

seeing with my third eye

animal guides

beauty and fun

Critic

blood shed

runaway rabid animal

barren heat
shadow

uncontrollable

can't get off the horse/ride

panicing

nuclear war; everything going to hell

lie on bed and and feel alone

shades without color

"it looks incocuous but it has deadly poison in its skin"

Looking at these, my thoughts have turned away from what I see (though that is important), to a more meaningful question, "how can I stay in muse mode?". Pondering that...

- meditation/dedicated spirtual practice

- energetic boundries with others

- encouraged curiosity

- belief in synchronicity

- time is just an illusion / need to stop worshiping time, on the flip, give time space

Family of Orgin, Part 1

This exercise was extremely hard for me. The initial mediation was very difficult: the energy shooting out of my body felt violent. I kept on having to open my eyes to make sure my head wasn't cocked at at 45 degree angle (what my energy was doing). It didn't matter that I was physically in a place of wholeness; it was very difficult to go back to the house on Sanchez Street and see my mom. I also pictured my dad, Julie, Oona and Summer to protect me

As I made them into sculptures, I calmed down a lot. It felt good to repurpose the angst an emotion in a physical form. As I talked to each piece it was very telling:

mom said - I hate myself. I don't know how to love outside myself fully. Learn to love inside so you can share it with the world.
I responded - Find your inner beauty. Everyone can see it. I can see it in me and you.

dad said - I travel to be multiple places. I tried to have flexible love and understanding for a woman who love you fiercely. I did it best I could.
I responded - I love you dad. I knew you did. I get angry sometimes, but I'm grateful for the gifts.

I left the exercise feeling...drained. And with a new found understanding of my parental relationships. And slightly confused that I still had work to do (after so many years of therapy!). I could really see how I have problems loving myself because it was never shown to be by a women how to do it. And I could see that I subconciously choose men who are not completely "here" because that is the love I am used to.